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Well this has been a long time coming, and to those of you that are a little more than aquented with me you wont be supprised to hear I’ve not touched this since I last promised an update… Anyway since the whole Lee Riley thing is out of the preverbial bag in real life now I don’t see why I can’t just post what I already wrote last year.

There are typos and no real formatting so stop bitching before you even start.


Feel free to call me pretentious :D

‘Why not, lots of people do it? Then again, it could cause more trouble than it’s worth’

As he deliberated this Jack was looking at himself in the reflection of a CD he’d intended to put on before his own thoughts had distracted him. One eye open and one closed.

“Jack Stewart” And then the other way round.

“Lee Riley” And again

“Jack Stewarts, Lee Riley, Jack Stewart, Lee Riley” Jack finally put on the CD and turned to the full length mirror on his wall. 6”2 eyes of blue, dark hair, skin fair, his aesthetics were pleasing. Unsettled, Jack’s image was in disarray, he didn’t know how to dress, not in a way that would let him fit in all the places he wanted to. He didn’t even know how to act in a way that would let him do everything he wanted to do. The part of his personality that attracted one person would repel another; to him it seemed his whole existence was mutually exclusive.

“Jack Stewart, Lee Riley” Jack’s conversation with himself would repeat like this for some time until the ring of his phone prompted his conclusion. He answered to the familiar sound of Seth pretending to be some kind of telley sales operator.

“Good evening sir and or madam are you the house owner?”

“Why and or?”

“erm… 3 way calling?” Jack conceded the point and pushed for the call’s motive.

“What’s up?”

“Just wondered if you were going to grace us with your appearance tonight”

“Sure why not, need I ask where?”

Jack and Seth’s friends had become a tad predictable with their Friday night’s activities essentially eliminating the need for plans. Same pub - Same time - Same people, routine.

“Good, and don’t be flaking out on us, seems to be your new thing as of late”

This is because ‘as of late’ Jack had been finding this routine increasingly bothersome, he’d much rather do something cultured instead of sitting in a bar and getting shit face. A passion his friends did not share. Ignoring the jibe Jack asked Seth if he remembered Lee Riley.

“The Baptist?”

“What? No ‘Lee Riley’, the name I used when we went on nights out in different cities”

“Ohh, Leeee Riley” Tone accentuated to lay praise to a false sense of acknowledgement. Jack probed his mind for something to jog Seth’s memory.

“You were Andy Mc Gee”

“LEE RILEY!” A light had switch on.

“Yer I remember, good times. What about it?”

“Just” Jack paused the idea still seeming somewhat insane in his mind

“Nothing” he ejected himself from the exchange.

“Weirdo, Okay I’ll see you later, drinks are on me”

“And by that you mean me?”

“Love you”

‘Dial tone’ Jack rolled his eyes and sighed inwardly, he had felt guilty about bailing on his friends so much recently but that fact was he needed to feed his cultural thirst and his old friends just were not doing that. The nonattendance of to the Friday night ritual and other such social events had started a month or so earlier after Jack had turned up to a family gathering and been re-introduced to a distant relative he had no recollection of. Elliot was deceitfully tall for his slender frame and his short blonde hair, with each strand immaculately placed, gave off the distinct air of twat. Jack instantly took a disliking to him but for reasons unbeknown to him, Jack had always made the extra effort with people he instantly disliked, something along the lines of not judging a book by its cover. Being the only two young people there left Jack with little choice anyway so conversations where started, each of which Jack had regretted before long. Nothing seemed to be good enough for Elliot, not a kind word spoken about anyone or towards anything. Jack joked that he should become a critic, to which he received the condescending reply.

“Oh, do you not know? I write the critique for *some theater magazine* on *something*”

Jack had to admit he was impressed.

“How did you get a job like that so young?”

“It’s not about what you know, it’s about whom you know. Of course knowing everything helps”

He chortled, as Jack decided his initial impression had been correct. An explanation followed that confused and angered Jack, mostly the latter. From what he could make out, Elliot’s Father’s firm had done some business with the magazines owner and then through a ‘gritted teeth’ friendship called in favor after favor in a manner that screamed blackmail and led to Elliot’s currant comfortable position. Elliot came from the side of the family that seemed to think their attendance to such events was a sort of charity when in actual fact it was the other side’s invitation that was a gesture of kindness, one they wished wouldn’t be taken up. The father was portly to put a polite spin on things, and the mother was a Weasely looking creature whose voice had a habit of making people want to remove one of their five senses. It was impossible to determine which of the three had the ugliest personality and the only recourse from their presence Jack could come up with was to drink until they became somewhere close to acceptable, but after the 6th doubles with no improvement Jack called it a night and left in a taxi.

Family life for Jack had never been easy, strained would best surmise. The immediate family were all perfectly nice people and got along well, but they seemed to lack the ability to converse in any way warmer than an acquaintance would. In the case of Mr. Stewart this can be quantified by his lack of presence as a result of work commitments, the family understood and held no resentment towards the matter, but this didn’t stop its adverse effects. Mrs. Stewart had issues giving birth to his younger sister Jessica and since hadn’t ever seemed quite right. Jessica herself still young and living in a dream world was oblivious to everything around her. Jack, even though he’d never admit it, was very protective of his sister and wanted to make sure all the things that had happened to him didn’t happen to her as well. Although it wasn’t mentioned often, becoming somewhat of a family taboo, there was an older son that moved out while Jack was still young the reasons for this had never been fully explained.

The morning after Jack was awoken, head banging, by his mother brandishing post and a cup of something he could only presume was supposed to be tea.

“Thanks mum” 

"You are quite welcome, oh and Elliot wants to know if you would like to go watch *something* with him on Friday night. He seemed to take quite the shine to you”

Jack’s brow furrowed.

“Really? I thought he was a bit of a twat to be honest”


Jack’s hangover had removed the part of his brain that stopped him swearing in front of his parents.

“Well it’s too late I’ve already told his mother that you’d go”


The monotone word protruded from the slightly more awake Jack.

“Listen jack”

His mother took a seat on his bed and put on an almost empathetic face that made Jack feel nervous.

“I don’t ask you to do much, but it would be really nice if our family could be closer, and every little helps”

Jack’s brain couldn’t take this in.

“But you don’t even like them!”


His mother’s authority came through sharp.

“I don’t like you using me as a tool to patch up our family”

“Well you should have thought about that before you were born then”

At this Jack knew he’d lost the argument and seeing the time jumped out of bed to go meet Seth. While Seth and Jack’s other friends didn’t share Jack’s love of theater et al they did all enjoy extreme sports and given every opportunity would meet up for some adrenaline spiking activity. Today they were keeping things simple and as Jack opened the gates to the BMX track he could see Seth and co already setting up.

“You look”

Seth paused as his inability to string a sentence together in a traditional sense came through.

“A mess”

“Believe me. I feel worse”

Jack replied in an imitating mock.

“Sarah’s back this weekend, everyone’s going to the red for a reunion on Friday”

“You say that as though everyone wouldn’t have been there anyway?”

“Point taken”

“Anyway I can’t go”

“But dude, it’s Sarah, she’s the only one of us who gives a shit about that theater and art bollocks you always rave on about”

“Yer, well I can’t go, I gotta go see some show with my”

Jack tried to fathom what relationship they actually shared.

“Come to think of it I don’t know what he is, a relative called Elliot”

“Elliot. He sounds like a twat”

“He is”

“Then WHY pray tell, are you going?”

enthuse placed on his why.

“Mum asked”

“Fair point”

Seth shrugged and made no more mention of the matter. As the group hit the ramps Jack took a moment to consider how such a rad-tad group of individuals ever got together in the first place, for him and Seth it was simple they’d been friends since before he could ever remember. As for everyone else it seemed as though over the years more and more loners had gravitated towards the two. Joe came along first turning the twosome into a trio after he moved schools; kids being kids treated the outsider just as such, all of them apart from Jack and Seth. Seth spent the better half of the first two decades of his life moving from one foster home to another before his estranged father finally turned up out of the blue to take him in. He covered his feeling about it well, without having prior knowledge you’d be none the wiser.

Never the less his own feelings of not being wanted lead him to never wanting to make someone else feel that way, even behind the bravado he portrays it’s plain to see he cares. Joe was so thankfully over the years of the extended hand of friendship that in-between foster parents Seth would often stay with his family. It stayed just the three of them for a long time before Jennifer turned up, a case of right place right time. Jack, Seth and Joe had found a bottle of Joe’s dad’s homemade rum and in due course drank themselves stupid.

Whilst wandering around town unable to string two syllables together between the three of them Seth had pushed Joe down a staircase leading to the walkway of the bus station and straight into a bewildered man. A man who just a moment earlier had stolen a teenage girls bag and fled, a man who now lay dazed on the ground, Joe managed to grumble a slurred apology before the victim turned up and gave the villain a swift kick in the gut. The three looked at each other and then at her, before an explanation was granted followed by the quick realization she had missed her bus, followed by an even quicker second kick to the man’s side. With nothing to do but wait the hour for the next bus she decided to join the three heroes in their attempts to lose sobriety.

Collin, Pete, Jane and Mark all followed in their own unique ways until finally Sarah made her first appearance, it just so happened this would fall on the same night Jack said goodbye to Lee Riley for the first time.

Youth is a wonderful thing, but not so much a thing, more a time. A time when mistakes are supposed to be made, a time when fucking up is just expected, and a time when you can truly invent who you are. Another thing about youth is the lack of worry for consequence, especially when in a situation you ‘know’ you will never be in again.It is this mode of thinking that bore the beginning of pseudonym nights, a simple concept with a million possibilities. The basic premise is to choose a name, choose an identity, choose a personality and then be that person in a place nobody knows your name. You invent that group of friends and take that life somewhere with you, to see just how far fetched you can get and still have people believe you. The ultimate goal to have people tell the real you about the other you, childish fun. They made rules, tried to legitimize it, make it somewhat corporeal but at the heart of it all this was just a bit of fun.

On one particular night having long since perfected the tale of Lee Riley, Jack and his friends were in full flight, taking no prisoners. Having people hanging off your every word when your every word is a lie is a bitter sweet feeling and Jack pondered the difference between making a full fake personality and lying to polish your own, why was it that the latter seemed far worse? Seth had just finished a story about *insert un-modist thing here* when someone caught Jacks eye and he hers. She headed towards the group and one of the unknowing subjects to their little game introduced her to ‘Lee’. Jack lost the words in the back of his throat, he didn’t know why, but for some reason he just couldn’t lie to this girl. So he sat quiet avoiding her gaze like a shy school boy, after about half an hour the booth they had been inhabiting emptied all at once, down to a mix of drink buying and toilet going leaving only Jack and the girl.

“From the way you were eyeing me up before I thought you’d at least speak to me when I came over”

Jack’s heart sank, he hadn’t realized how long his eyes had fallen on her, it seemed like only a moment, but evidently she hadn’t only stolen his words but his sense of time as well.

“Listen, my name’s not Lee”

He blurted out a confession, to which the girl laughed.

“Yer I noticed, your routine needs work not everyone’s as gullable as my friends”

Jack smiled and managed to reply

"You’d be surprised”

“You know I’ve already heard about ‘Lee Riley’”


Jacks eyebrow shot up and a wave of satisfaction fell down him.

“Yes, and from what I’ve heard he’s a real jack ass”

That same wave shot back up him like a cold shiver and he swore if your body could laugh at you, this is what it was now trying to do.


The girl started to laugh, and Jack realized that both of these waves had been unjustified, she’d never heard of him before.

“So do I get to know your real name?”

“Jack, and yours?”

“Since you’re into the habit of false identities you can call me Rachel”

She leaned in and whispered into Jack’s ear.

“And don’t worry your secrets safe with me”

She moved away slowly and stopped as her eyes met his and paused, this moment didn’t disappear in an instant, this one felt like it lasted a life time. Jacks heart panged as she moved away words couldn’t describe the shear longing turned utter contempt he felt in the immediate aftermath. From then on that was it; Jack had hung Lee Riley up nar to think of him again, but he never stopped thinking about the one girl that’d caught him out. He had no idea who she was, and no way of ever finding her, every time Jack thought of this it killed him. He had explained to Seth who just called him a wet blanket and told him to get over it. Jack mentioned her so much it became a running joke within the group and the center of many taunts.

Nearly a year had passed since and Seth had been invited to the wedding of one of his old foster family’s daughters from before he met Jack. Knowing how hard turning up would be for Seth, Jack opted to come along since he also knew Seth was too proud to ask for a friend.

“Isn’t it a little weird that they didn’t want to keep you as a son but they’ll still invite you to their daughter’s wedding, sorry to put it so bluntly”

Jack inquired.

“It wasn’t a case of didn’t want it was a case of couldn’t have, something went south with the paper work and then the Dad was made redundant so by the time they found out I wasn’t legally theirs, they couldn’t afford to keep me anyway. They’re the only foster home I actually liked, it was a shame.”

“That is a shame, so who’s getting married?”

“The older sister Kate’s getting married and the younger sister Sarah’s one of the bride’s maids”

“Level with me, just how boring is this going to be?”

“I’d imagine it’ll be pretty darn boring”

“I thank you for the honesty”

“That is quite alright my good fellow, now shall we don our caps and shines our monocles?”

“Undoutabley good sir!”

This was yet another display of the chap dialog Seth and Jack would often fall into given no sign of warning. Seth hadn’t lied, for a wedding with so many attending it sure was boring, it was formal and traditional but not in that quiet nostalgic way, just in the dull way, Even the groom looked bored. Seth’s phone buzzed and he began to giggle, Jack looked at him wide eyed as though to say

“What are you doing!?”

Seth showed him the text he’d received.

Joe: HAHAHA Jack’s your +1 that makes you gay.

Jack just shook his head at the immaturity, but couldn’t hold back a bit of a grin. The ceremony was now in full flight the bride had set off down the aisle in a hideous dress that was obnoxiously long at the back a very unimpressed bride’s maid could be seen carrying the fluffy atrocity. As she drew closer Jack took a double take, he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. This was the same girl from that night. He nudged Seth

“That’s her!” A loud whisper was uttered

‘What are you going on about?”

“That’s Rachel”

“Dude that’s Sarah I think I’d know this I did used to live with her.”

“No I mean, that’s THE Rachel”

“Wow as in Rachel Sarah?”

“YES!, wait, you used to live with her WHAT THE FUCK!?”

This was more than a whisper and a conjunction of SHUSH noises aimed in their direction brought the whole congregations gaze upon them. Seth just sat back and pointed at Jack, Sarah too was looking at the scene. Her eyes met Jack’s the same way they had that night, she squinted a little and smiled before a grumble from her none too happy sister brought her back to duties. Jack turned to Seth

“I hate you”

After the ceremony when guests were shown to their seats for the meal Jack’s mind was racing every possible way a conversation could pan out ********************examples*********** As they sat down Jack cursed Seth in his brain, not just for not figuring out who Sarah was but for things that he held no blame for. Like the fact his hair was going fuzzy in the humidity, or the fact their table was so far away from hers. Jack was staring into space contemplating such hates when a voice that he should have recognized spoke to him.

“Horrible dress wasn’t it?”

Jack responded without a though.

“The Beige Disaster”

As he spoke he came back to the real world and turned round to stair vacantly at Sarah. She paused and her look conveyed no inclining of her feelings to his response, Jack lost a second lifetime in her gaze.

“I was thinking more along the lines of ‘Cream Catastrophe’”

Jack let out a sigh of relief.

“So you know Seth?”

“Yer, for the better part of a decade”

“I guess you never asked about me then”

“Have you met Seth? He has difficulty putting 2 and 2 together in the regular sense; do you think he’d have ever figured that out?”

“So you have been asking about me then?”

Jack was now cursing himself rather than Seth for falling into such an obvious trap, his failed response only left himself open to more jest.

“For someone you only met for a brief moment, kind’a strange you’d be trying to follow me up?”

Jack’s wits had just about caught up with him by this point and his rebuttable

“Well you recognized me and it was pretty dark when we met, you must have had a pretty clear recollection of that night” Un-phased “Photographic memory”

“No such thing”

“Oh really? Show me something”

Jack reached for the menu sitting in front of him and passed it to her taking it away a moment later.

“So what was on the menu?”

***Sarah recites the menu. Jack looks bemused.***

“In that case I am impressed”

“Don’t be”

She leaned towards Jack in the same way she had that night.

“I wrote the menu”


  1. leeriley posted this